His last email to me after I emailed him spilling every thought, every emotion since the day he left:
" I'm still sorting through a lot of feelings about our relationship, about the way things ended. It's going to take me a while. A long while. It's nice that you're thinking about things but it's still so soon after our break up that what your thinking now will probably change several times in the coming months. I don't know what else to say other than that. We're not getting back together any time soon. I've decided that much. I do care about you, but we're not getting back together right now. If it ever happens it will be at least a year or years from now -- that's how much time I need. After a few months have passed where we don't speak and have both had some time apart from each other without telling each other what we're feeling and going through all the time we can decide if we want to try to communicate as friends. But we're clearly not ready for that yet. "
My response to this was to please promise he won't forget about me. He responded with two short, confusing sentences:" You're unforgettable Kelly. That's one thing I can tell you."
If I am so unforgettable, then why this? Why now? Its not like I cheated on him, or did anything truly awful to him. If I did so something so awful, I wish I knew what it was! I just gave him love. All I wanted was to love him and be loved by him. Thats all I want now! I just can't sever all ties to him. He has been such an important driving force in my life now. How can I survive without telling him how I feel? He has helped me deal with so much in my life, and now I don't have him around at all. I don't know what I did, he won't tell me. He probably never will talk to me again.
I need him around. I am so miserable and empty right now without him in my life. A huge part of me is missing. I can't enjoy doing anything without him being by my side. It has been a month tomorrow. This has been the worst month of my life hands down. I can't stop crying or dwelling on the events. I even started this blog because I just can't get my mind off this and move on. If only I knew what pushed him away? What made him not want to be with me? How could this happen? Why me? He said he knows that he doesnt want to get back together with me anytime soon... What about what I want? Doesn't that matter at all?
Do friends normally ditch each other--shut off the emotions? Not talk to each other? No, they don't. I can't shut off how I feel about him. He is just that important to me. I am starting to think that he whole friends thing is a crock...actually, I know that much is true. He is just giving me false hope with that. And what---I am supposed to sit around for the next few months hoping, wishing, and praying that he will come to his senses and call me? And exactly how long is a few months? Next month? August? December? Who the hell knows! All I know is that I can't just walk away like this. He i so special. I love him so much and it just rips me apart to sit here without him. But, there is nothing I can do to make him want me. There is nothing I can say to him to make him change his mind.
I thought that I filled his life with joy, he said so not too long ago. He said that he only wanted to be with me. He said he loved me more than anyone else in this world. He said so much to make me feel like the most special girl in the world.
I am terrified to go out tonight. What if I see him out? What if he is with someone else? I don't know what I would do if that happened! I don't know what I would do or say. I just don't know what to do with myself.