It started in a dream...I was lying in a hospital bed, paralyzed from being hit by a car. There he was, hovering over me telling me to wiggle my toes, damnit. It was a weird dream, I told him about it, we laughed about it, and pretty much shrugged it off. Then, while he is dumping me for no clear reason on my front porch with all of my "left behind" possessions in a small plastic bag, he says "wiggle your toes, damn it". My dreams become my worst nightmares. April 9th--"good" friday. Ha! Got drunk that night, drunk emailed him too. Then I showed up at his house the next day---bad idea if you are not Glenn Close.
I smoke too many cigarettes now. I am up to a pack a day of marlboro lights. And, as I sit in my new apartment in DC watching fuzzy NBC because the previous tenants detest cable to the point of ripping the wires out of the wall and it takes an act of Congress to have cable companies fix it, I blog away wondering why? I was a good girlfriend. I like sex. I gave it up all the time, which is not the case in most long term relationships. I gave him all the attention in the world. I was social in his circles. He told me that I was the best looking girlfriend he has ever had. I put up with his crazy talk about cryonics, his commitmentphobia, his insecurites...and he tosses me aside just like that.
I have no clue as to his reasoning---I did everything humanly possible to make him feel loved and wanted. He just said that there are feelings of animosity and hostility on his side. Why? What did I do to make him feel this way? He lost his job, he freaked out, he asked me to move in with him and then he said never mind. I had every right to be upset, especially because the former roommates gave me notice that they were moving out. I was upset. But I was getting over it. I had my own apartment in line. I was starting to deal with it. And then, he says its over. He said that there is nothing I can do to change it. Oh, and the best part-he said that he consulted with his two friends who have never had a successful relationship and his shrink and they think its best. Why? I keep asking why and I get no answer!!!!
He wants to be friends in a few months. But all I want is another shot to make things work. I understand he was scared and that he was confused. But its not worth throwing away a great relationship. I don't understand him anymore. He's not a quitter, but he just up and left. He refuses to take my calls, he only wants email communication. Can't he see that I need him now? Can't he see that there is so much that we can attain being together? I keep sending him emails telling him how much I need to see him, throwing it all out there, and...nothing. Just a confirmation that he does not want to see me/talk to me/have anything to do with me. I have spilled my guts on multiple occassions and have not gotten a single response that has any kind of hope attached to it.
I don't want this. I want to be with him. It seems like such a pipe dream right now. Yup, this one was a downer. Hopefully it will get better...